Years ago now, a senior colleague in ICU took me aside. Johanna - you need to make more mistakes. I nodded. Yea, I know. I had a low rate of complications (such as bleedings, pneumothoraces, ...) - but I practiced only what I was good at, avoiding certain interventional procedures. I became an expert at finding elegant conservative solutions whenever I could. I was nursing my own blind spots.
The topic came up again recently during aikido class. I had injured my right shoulder a couple of months ago, which meant that I had to skip doing forward rolls on that side. My shoulder was healed, and yet - I still avoided rolling on my "injured" side. My body suddenly felt like it has a lot of pointy edges, I did not want to draw attention by falling, and was afraid of getting injured again. I started skipping class. I have a lot less training in aikido than in critical care medicine, but it fits the same pattern.
The antidote to all this, is to relinquish the need for control. It is human, to want to get our ducks in a row, and somehow reach a feeling of "I´ve got this". Even if we briefly reach such a state, it is always transient. There is nothing wrong with striving for perfection, as long as the focus lies on striving, and not on reaching. The idea that being, and staying in control is actually possible, is an illusion.
What lies beneath, is most often fear. We are scared of "losing control" - which we never had. Now the thing is that feeling fear actually makes "losing control" or as in the example above "getting injured" a lot more likely. There is a saying that goes "feel the fear and do it anyways". I disagree with this. In a state of fear, our bodies become tense and contracted, which renders us ineffective. Instead of being afraid of losing something that was never attainable to begin with, I might as well begin by relaxing myself (my core) - and getting back to the proverbial mat.
I feel the fear, do something about it - and then do "it" (whatever it is).
This sounds simple, and it is simple, but it is not easy. In order to learn and evolve, I have to be willing to fail (in public), and accept that I might make a fool of myself, injure myself, experience pain, fear, shame, isolation and other kinds of "unwelcome" feelings. I become less scared of fear, shame or anger, if I practice and remember coming back to my body as a reference point. Over time, I increase my tolerance for these sensations - and my depth of learning, my level of expertise (at any level of training), and the width of my experiences.